The week following the death of my son, I stopped crying in front of people and bottled up inside of my own shell. I still cried at night and I still had the memories that came along with not knowing what was going to happen next. For the most part, I found myself in his room late at night crying by myself and holding onto his Spongebob pillow.
I heard people from across the room saying to one another that it was strange that I stopped crying but what they didn’t know was that I had stopped crying in front of them and built a lot of anger around this so called wall of grief. I was angry, I am still angry. Why don’t I cry in front of them? Can I not make myself? I am a women and this is what women do, we are suppose to cry or at least that is what the world tells us. Men on the other hand, are the ones who are suppose to hide their tears from the world, they are the ones who are suppose to hold all the anger. This is where I learned that no two people are alike and nobody shows their grief in the same way.
Grief isn’t something that we are taught, it is something that we learn on our own time. People show grief in different ways but it does not mean that you don’t care. I hear a lot of people telling me how strong I am and that if they were in my shoes that they would be a train wreck. How would they really know until they are in your shoes? They really wouldn’t.
My husband and I are opposite when it comes to dealing with our grief. He shows his grief on the outside and many people don’t like to go around him for fear that they might say something that will remind him of our son. What they don’t understand is that we need to hear his name out loud and we want to know about the memories that each person had with him. I, on the other hand, have built a wall around my heart to shield it from the pain that I have felt. I still say his name out loud just so that I can hear it once again. I have become angry at the world but I don’t know who to really place my anger on.
I write a lot and about the things that I cannot deal with in my real life. I write because it is a way to express myself when no one else will listen. I found out that grief isn’t something that will just go away, it is something that you must work towards. My greatest fear use to be to die alone, my greatest fear now is to watch myself and the others around me suffer through the pain that we have had to deal with.
There is nothing worse than having to deal with grief and you should know when it is time to seek medical treatment. If you feel that you cannot discuss your feelings with the others around you, if you feel like life is not worth living, if you just need someone to walk you through this, you should seek the help that you need.
Grief is not something that will demolish over time, it is something that you learn to deal with. A lot of people don’t want to deal with it and this is the way that I am, but putting it away is not the way to deal with it.
It is okay cry when you need too and don’t worry about the people around you, they would understand if they truly knew you. Crying is just another way to express yourself.
Guilt is another form of grief. A lot of people will have guilt because of the way that their loved one died or that they never got to say bye to them. Guilt is something that a lot of people will need medical treatment to deal with. Just remember that unless you physically did something to that person, it is not your fault. I had a lot of guilt built up because of the way that my son died. My husband asked me to seek professional help, I never did but I did learn something, if you don’t handle it the way that you should, it can consume you. My advice is that if you are having difficulty in dealing with it, seek help.
Anger is something that a lot of people deal with. Not knowing who to place your anger on can be a never ending battle. Many people will not seek help when dealing with anger because they think that they can handle it on their own. Sometimes anger will play a role into our lives in a way that it shouldn’t. If you have anger, don’t let it control you life and don’t take it out on other people.
The blame game should not even be a part of it all but it is. There are a lot of people who blame someone else and they sometimes do this without meaning too. People do this because they don’t know who to blame and it is always easier to blame someone close to you. Try not to blame those around you, they are your loved ones and the ones who will help you through this.
No matter how you are dealing with grief, it is always better to remember that everyone deals with it differently and in their own time. You might see someone who cries all the time and then someone who never cries. These are just ways that they are dealing with it.